4/13 Minus Me

I wrote a suicide note on April 12th, 2017.  It was the culmination of 48 hours of continuous life altering events that led me to think that the universe was trying to have me pull my own plug.  You’re reading this, so I’m still breathing.  Still being an asshole.  A positive one, though. 

I didn’t read the note until recently and decided that I would look at what life would be if I decided to massage my brain with a .38.  I’m not going to “butterfly effect” this and completely alter the world.  There’s too many variables in trying to tie current world events to my life, so I’m going to only focus on people and events that I have directly affected.  Sound fun with zero morbidity?  Let’s start. 

Firstly, I wouldn’t be here so every single person that I have met since April would not have known of my existence or would have gotten to know me.  That second half of the sentence seems redundant, right?  Well, this past summer, my beautiful baby sister had a wedding.  I am the oldest grandchild by 11 years.  Many of my cousins have known of me but few have actual met their mulatto cousin.  I was, by age, an adult when most were barely being born.  Off to play war with other well-adjusted individuals.  I would have missed an opportunity to meet some of the most gifted, talented and funny people in the world.  Seeing so many people you are related to that you get to experience for the first time was worth fighting through depression. 

As previously mentioned, I would have missed my sister’s wedding.  I wouldn’t have been able to meet her new husband and his wonderful family.  I’m pretty sure the mood of the wedding weekend would have been slightly different if I wasn’t there.  I wouldn’t have seen my beautiful grandmother after her cancer went into remission.  I wouldn’t have been able to witness and thank my mother for putting on the best weekend I have experienced in Minnesota ever.  I wouldn’t have been able to thank my mother for everything she and my dad did for my sisters and I.  I was able to hand Chris, my future brother-in-law, his engagement ring.  Ashley’s, my other awesome sister, engagement would have been filmed by some other shmuck who lacks the steady hand of war torn veteran.

My roommate moved in around mid-July.  That wouldn’t have happened.  So, the numerous experiences we have shared since his arrival would not happen.  There would have been no Outside Lands.  So, all the bands taken off of Arron’s bucket list would still be sitting there.  There would have been no 80s boat party on the East Bay.  He would have moved back to Ohio and never gotten to experience the Bay Area.

Honestly, I could list a bunch of people and events that have happened since then but I will do an obvious one.  There wouldn’t be this blog.  A small extension of myself to the world that I was afraid to show.  Not that it’s read by many but those close to me know it’s really how I view the world.

It was hard to read something written by what seems someone else.  I read it and read it, wondering whether I would delete it.  I won’t.  Not yet.  I still have bad days but reading it made me realize that even a bad day still gives life to a new one. 

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